If you’re like a lot of autism parents, you may find that holidays are hard.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that we don’t love the holidays; many of us do. We have fond childhood memories and hope to create a warm, blanket of family traditions with our own children.

But sometimes our child on the autism spectrum doesn’t like the same things we like. He is an individual, and deserves the respect of having his preferences honored.

Perhaps you always looked forward to dying hard boiled eggs, but your child finds the smell of the vinegar solution nauseating.

Maybe you love the satisfying snap of biting the ears off your hollow chocolate bunny, or the texture of stale Peeps, but your child is either uninterested in the candy, or wants to cram it all in his mouth at once, leaving you to deal with the sugar high at bedtime.

Perhaps you cherished the stuffed rabbit you found by your basket and whispered your childhood secrets into its long ears, but your child has never related to stuffed animals and prefers Legos or spoons or straws or tops.

The long dining room table filled with family after church was a joy to you growing up, but the noise, the social expectations, and the “different-ness” of the day are intolerable to your child on the spectrum.

Maybe you loved hunting for Easter eggs with your cousins, but your child finds the mad scramble overwhelming and distressing.

 

So what do you do?

How do you reconcile your expectations to your child’s reality?

I recommend trying to put yourself in your child’s shoes, and look at each aspect of your family Easter celebration from his point of view. You know your child. You can predict what things will be most difficult, or which demands are likely to end in a melt-down. Don’t set him up for failure through wishfully thinking maybe this year will be different, and he will suddenly tolerate the things he finds intolerable.

He is himself, and individual, and although he may not love what you loved as a child, he loves what he loves.

Now it’s time for you to be the grownup. You had your childhood, and now it’s your child’s turn to have a holiday he may remember fondly and look forward to next year.

If the smell of the egg dye is unpleasant for your child, consider placing a bowl of hard boiled eggs and a basket of crayons or markers on the table. Anyone who wants to decorate an egg can let their creative side run free. Alternately, a basket of plastic eggs and a package of Easter stickers can be lots of fun, and less messy. And if he doesn’t want to do any of it, no problem, someone else will be happy to decorate the eggs.

It may not be practical or wise to have your child find a basket full of candy at the breakfast table if they are not able to control the urge to eat it all at once. You may want to give your child a plastic egg containing a single candy for dessert after lunch or dinner during Easter week.

If your child is not into stuffed animals, think about what gives them joy. Maybe a plastic tub of uncooked rice or beans he can sift through his fingers. (You can put Easter stickers on the tub if you like.) Perhaps a bathtub water mill toy, so he can turn a crank and watch the water fall, if that’s what he loves. Repetitive activities like these can be calming.

Almost every holiday features a dining room table extended to the max and packed in with family and friends. We love this time to gather, share a meal, and get caught up with those we don’t get to see throughout the year. How can you make this less stressful for your child on the spectrum?

If the gathering is at someone else’s home, start by identifying a “safe place” for your child to be alone if needed. Check with your hosts ahead of time to find a spare bedroom or den that will be quieter than the rest of the house. You may want to bring a favorite DVD or music to play, and the kinds of familiar toys and activities that your child loves and finds calming. Even with a “safe place” and an emergency kit of things he loves, be prepared to leave early if necessary. Tell your hosts at the beginning that if your child finds it too difficult to deal with the joyful crowd, at least one of the parents will need to take him home, and depending on distance, your whole family may need to leave. They love you and your child, and they should understand. (If you have family members who are still struggling to understand about autism, download my free eBook, “Understanding Autism: What Do We Tell the Grandparents?” Find it at the EBOOK tab on this site.)

If the gathering is at your home, you can’t very well kick everyone out when it gets stressful. You can declare your child’s room as a “Quiet Zone” and allow grandparents, cousins and other friends and family to visit him, one or two at a time, to say hello and happy Easter. Keep an eye out, checking to make sure he doesn’t get too hungry, tired, or overwhelmed, and then let him ignore the guests if that’s what he prefers.

The flurry and scurry of an Easter Egg Hunt is something many children love, but maybe not your child with autism. You might consider having a separate area or room with eggs for him to find at his leisure indoors without having to compete with the cousins, or a special corner of the yard. Or, you might tell everyone that the green eggs are just for him. (Choose his favorite color.) You might even want to have a different color of plastic egg for each cousin, so everyone is assured of finding an equal number of eggs. That’s also a good way of making sure you don’t end up with the oldest kids getting the most and the youngest getting left behind in the egg scramble. (Also: Do you want to reinforce greedy shoving, or cooperative sharing?) Instead of candy or tiny Easter-shaped erasers or stickers, if your child is not excited by them or shouldn’t have too much candy, consider putting a single Lego inside each plastic egg for Lego-loving kids. If your child enjoys reading and loves to figure things out, consider writing a clue on a tiny slip of paper inside the egg, which leads him to go off on his own hunt (away from the noisy egg hunt) to find a book, or a toy train, or DVD.

You can find more ideas for Easter activities online, and choose the ones that seem right for your child. www.positivelyautism.com/free/unit_easter.html has a few social stories and vocabulary pictures about Easter.

The bottom line is, enjoy the holiday but make sure your child is also able to enjoy it by making the day as stress-free and autism-kid-friendly as possible.

Happy Easter!

NOTE: In this blog I used masculine pronouns throughout, but we know there are also plenty of girls and women on the spectrum.

Another time I’ll use all feminine pronouns.