You may be one of many people who cherish the solitude of sheltering at home during the pandemic, even while hating the cause for it. What a relief it is not having to make up excuses to turn down party invitations. These events can be social and sensory nightmares, overwhelming and debilitating. It’s lovely to know that staying at home is the smart and safe option. Of course, you have been hoping or praying along with the rest of the world for an end to COVID and its variants.
That end is probably in sight as of this writing, at long last.
As amazing as it will be when we are all finally finished with the pandemic, with it will come a return to “normal” socialization, whatever that will look like. I hope you will feel confident in your self-awareness and self-compassion to continue to say No when you need to. You don’t have to attend social outings that will give you more stress than pleasure or cause you extreme discomfort.
That said, though, there may be events that you do want to attend. When a close friend or family member gets married, graduates, or there is a new baby to celebrate, you want to be there. It’s a joy to share these special times with the ones you care about the most.
But how do you manage the effects of sensory and social overload? No one wants to have a public meltdown when that last straw hits the camel’s back. You don’t have to stay home when your heart wants to be with your loved ones, you just need to have a strategy in place to deal with the issues that will arise.
This strategy is a S.N.A.P. – Set the stage, Nonverbal cue, Act on it, and Planned recovery. Let’s start with S.
S = SET THE STAGE
Before you even arrive at the event, set your stage for success with an exit strategy in your pocket, all ready to implement. This exit strategy will help extricate you from a social or sensory overpowering scenario that could potentially end up with an unintended meltdown. To put this into practice you will need to mind your Ps and Q: Partner, Plan, Prep, and Quick.
Partner: Your partner is someone you trust, someone who has your back, someone who understands you and your neuro-divergency. This might be a spouse, parent, sibling, or friend. It could be a helper that you pay to fulfill this role for you. Their job will be to help you implement your plan, and get you out of a situation before it becomes too much for you to handle. Make sure that your partner is someone who can leave as soon as you need to go. If they have another role at the event, such as a bridesmaid, godmother, or for whatever reason will be unable to leave the gathering at short notice, then that is not the person to choose as your partner in this instance.
Plan: You will need to plan your exit strategy and go over it with your partner in advance. Know where the exits are. Be aware of how to get back to your car from whatever exit you happen to be closest to when you realize you need to get out of there. Make sure your partner realizes it will be up to them to get you out, because if you are overwhelmed you may not be able to advocate for yourself.
Prep: You can start preparing for your exit as soon as you arrive. Make your way to the host of the event, the mother of the bride, parents of the new baby, graduate, or their parents, as soon as you get there. Thank them for inviting you and express your best wishes. Mention that if you must leave, you will just slip out quietly so as not to disrupt the proceedings. Then thank them again. Now that you have said your good-byes in advance, you needn’t worry about saying anything when you make your getaway.
Quick: Once you put your plan into action, be quick about it. You’ve probably seen videos of secret service agents rapidly removing a president from harm. Of course, you probably won’t need your partner to be at the secret service level of emergency extrication, but you do want them to understand how important it is to respond quickly. The understanding should be that by the time you communicate your need to leave, you have already tried your best to stay as long as humanly possible. This is not the time to say, “Five more minutes?” or “Hang in there, it won’t be long until it’s over.” They need to respond quickly and help you get out of the situation at once.
N = NONVERBAL CUE
Come up with a nonverbal cue that you and your partner will recognize immediately. It needs to be nonverbal because when under stress, even autistic people with exceptional vocabularies and advanced language abilities may become temporarily nonverbal. Social and sensory stressors can do that. Make sure you and your partner agree on a cue that will be easy for you to send and for them to receive and understand.
A = ACT ON IT
Immediately. Don’t hesitate. Don’t wait for the right moment. As soon as the nonverbal cue has been given, the moment is NOW to act on it. Put the exit strategy into play and go. Don’t worry about saying goodbye to your hosts, you already pre-goodby-ed them when you arrived. Just get out. No one wants to have a meltdown in public, and you have a right to take care of yourself.
P = PLANNED RECOVERY
Put it on the calendar as soon as you accept the invitation. Planned recovery is an important part of the whole event. Each person has their own needs as far as how much recovery time you require. For some it can be two to three times the amount of time spent in the social event, or even longer. Don’t schedule a dentist appointment or plan to do grocery shopping or put in a normal work day following a big social affair. This is not laziness, and it is not optional. Your body and mind need down time after a stressful situation, and even happy stress, like a wedding, still takes a toll. Don’t let anyone minimize your need for recovery or try to talk you out of it. You deserve it, you need it, so put it on the calendar in ink and respect it.
By following these strategies, I hope partying can be a S.N.A.P. for you, and that you will be able to enjoy the social activities that you choose, without fear. The world is opening up, so let’s gather safely in ways that work for everyone.
